Mental Health

The last few days there has been a lot going on with the mental health side of my journey. Granted, the mental health side of my personal wellness initiative actually came months (actually, years, in many respects) before the gallbladder problems. Nonetheless, it is still a very important part of the process for me, and the last few days I have been having to deal with and face some of the issues/people that greatly affect this part of my wellness.

I'm still not ready to go in to a lot of detail in a public forum like this, but those who know me well are aware of the drastic changes I made to improve my mental health earlier this year. There were many toxic people in my life, and after a series of events my therapist and I decided it was time to separate myself from them. It sounds really drastic, I know, and it is, but I had to save myself and my sanity. The effect these people had on me was so intense that even now, five months later, just talking about them and the unhealthy interpersonal dynamics I was dealing with when involved with them causes my blood pressure to rise and a large amount of anger to start spewing out. Anger so intense, it's as if these events happened earlier today, when in reality the events happened months or years ago.

My anger came from many different places. Anger at feeling as though I was never heard, constantly being pushed out or forgotten about, being treated unfairly, and some rather consistent mental/verbal abuse. The situation was highly toxic for me, and it took me years to realize the full extent of what was going on and how I was planted in to a "role" that I could never get out of and that the dynamics would never change no matter how much I tried. I was pegged, and either I could get out or I could continue on in the unhealthy dynamic allowing myself to be manipulated and beaten down. I chose to get out.

Getting out of that situation was the best thing I have ever done for myself. My mood has improved, my stress levels have gone done, and the anger has dissipated. I feel free, finally. However, the wounds are still fresh and when confronted with these people or even talking about them I feel that anger bubble up all over again. It's intense and I know it will take a lot more time of separation to get the anger to cool and for me to be able to confront them again. And I'm not giving that a specific timeline... I'm in no hurry to involve myself in that situation again any time soon!

I truly believe, after 8 years of therapy, that the world would be a much better place if everyone got therapy. Unfortunately though, in my experience it is usually only the sane people who get therapy because they realize something isn't right or someone isn't making them feel right and they really truly want to feel that sense of saneness again. However, many of the people (not all, of course) with personality disorders or other serious issues are too proud to get therapy, believe they don't need therapy, have convinced themselves they are "normal" and don't need therapy, or truly believe they are "sane" when they in fact are not-- and everyone knows it but them-- don't ever seek out the help they so desperately need. I've been talking with a friend about this a lot lately, and the more we talk the more I realize the profound impact therapy truly does have on people and the overwhelming importance of having good mental health is to our overall well-being and quality of life. But you can't force someone to go to therapy, they have to want it, and convincing them they need it is only half the battle.