Two steps back

Last night I had a gallbladder attack. Full-blown, minus the vomiting (thank goodness). Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I caused it to happen knowing full well that my actions were likely to lead to this outcome. Coming home from work late, I went to Ruby Tuesdays to get a burger. It was easy and quick and involved little thought (the achilles heal of the American diet, no?) My husband was still finishing putting together our kitchen sink and because it took a day longer than expected, the counters were covered in dirty dishes from the meal I made the night before. Long story short, I didn't want to create any more dishes so I thought I would just pick up a burger on the way home. Sounds good in theory, but it was very bad in practice for me and my gallbladder.

Now, the two weeks prior to this I actually did that same thing. Both times I overate and both times I didn't feel 100% afterwards, but neither time did I have a full-blown GB attack. This week I did have the GB attack and it was awful. I woke up at 1:30am feeling like a knife was being stabbed in the middle of my back. The pain was focused in that area, which was a bit different from the attacks I use to have that made my whole back feel like a pole was going through from my chest, so I was actually relieved that the pain wasn't so bad that I wanted to vomit. I took some of my Phos acid drops and a beet tablet and the pain eventually subsided while I slept sitting up on the couch. I also took a long hot shower to relax me (which helps the GB function better) and because during the attack I started shivering uncontrollably- which was something I never experienced before. By 5:30am I was able to go back to my bed to sleep but the whole experience left me feeling cloudy-headed and generally miserable today. I can't wait to go to sleep tonight and sleep the whole night through in my bed. Fingers crossed.

The only problem is that I seem to be having problems with portion distortion again. The burger probably would have been fine for me if I had only eaten half of it. Instead I ate almost the whole thing and some disgustingly over oiled sauteed portabello mushrooms (don't order them people, they are gross). For as long as I've been alive I've had a fear of being anorexic, which is probably a side effect of having so many people in my life with eating and body image disorders. I am always scared that I am not eating enough and that I need to make sure I have enough servings of whatever food or food group to be healthy. This causes me to overeat, and only recently (note: the last few weeks) did I finally realize this about myself. I overeat because I'm afraid of being malnourished and anorexic. I want so badly to be healthy that I have made myself unhealthy. Weird, right? But it's totally true and it's the reality that I live in everyday.

During the beginning of my GB diet I did awesome on portion control and eating a good variety of healthy foods, my diet was stellar and I had no option for it to be anything but because it made the GB attacks less frequent and less severe. Now that my GB is healthier I have slipped slowly but surely back in to my old eating habits. Maybe not laden with ice cream, but my old "over"eating habits nonetheless. Even tonight, one night after a severe GB attack, I overate again! I compulsively ate more food at the end of my meal than I needed because some voice in the back of my brain said I hadn't consumed quite enough calories so I need something else to make up for it. The truth of the matter: I ate just the right amount of calories before I binged on the two Girl Scout cookies (darn those Girl Scouts!) to "add a few calories" to my meal. It was delusional to think I needed more calories and now I am not feeling well again, less than 24 hours after a severe GB attack, as a result of listening to that little voice in my head.

In so many ways, I feel like I am not in control of my impulses because they are so misinformed. I just wish I could regain the control I had last summer and start seeing food portion in a healthier light again. It's time to refocus.