Losing Control

It has been a long while... and yet, here I am again. The urge to write and share is strong again and sometimes I just want a place to get the thoughts and stories in my head out.

So, cliff notes version of the past months... gallbladder removed, recovery sucks.

There. Done. Band-aid ripped off. Seriously though, recovery does suck. They don't tell you when they take our your gallbladder that you will be nauseous every time you eat for the rest of your life. That one was a total surprise to me and it has been very frustrating to deal with. Thankfully, I have a wonderful holistic nutritionist I'm working with and she has given me several supplements to take that are helping tremendously!

Moving on from that, now that I have done the deed of removing my gallbladder (I fought the good fight, and wouldn't change my decisions the last few years for anything) concentration in my life is now on breaking bubbles of bad health in the emotional areas of my life.

This one is going to be the hardest battle I have fought yet. To win this battle it is a test of will with myself to allow my brain and heart to lose control. The white knuckle grip I have had on every second of my life has to come to an end so I can come to a place where I flow through my life rather than conducting and controlling it.

Big deep breath. This is really hard for me. My intellectual brain has yet to completely wrap around the concept of not controlling everything. Fathoming the concept of not being able to make/require/ask/demand/force people to behave and respond in the manner I feel is appropriate is mind boggling to me. In my head, they should act a certain way and it irritates me when they don't act in the way I see as being logical and healthy and balanced. But, as it has been pointed out to me, I can't control them anymore than they can control me. I can give them the information- the world's greatest speech, even- and they may not have the capacity to listen to it. My self-righteous brain is having a painfully difficult time letting go of the obsession of being right and "in control."

Talk about something that causes a panic attack in me. Just thinking about not being in control makes my chest feel tight and my eyes well up. It makes me feel like I need to scream, grab on to anything I can, and kick until I regain a sense of stability and power. I just can't comprehend not being in control.

The next step in my journey of breaking bubbles, is to trust the flow of life. This might be the hardest bubble of them all to break.