Finding myself "Worthy"

It's 12:15am and I should be in bed. My has started it's "busywork" time of the day where I avoid sleep, just like I feel like I avoid so much in my life.

Ugh. I feel like every time I come to this blog nowadays all I do is whine and complain. And here, I am spewing verbal diarrhea all over the web about my inability to get to a place in my life where I don't feel the need to spew mental chunks.

For lack of a better term.

My journey through balancing the emotional side of my health is such a huge [read: gapping] piece of the puzzle to my bad health that it feels like climbing Mt Everest to get it conquered. And here I sit, with my old friend "self-hatred" whispering evil things in my head again.

So I focus on my breathing, slow it down, count to four on each step of inhale and exhale and repeat the mantra "I am worthy" to myself over and over again. My holistic healer (for lack of a more concise term for her) has me focus on different "beliefs" each week until we have trained my subconscious to keep them ingrained in my body. This enables my body to release negative emotions of the past and rebalance my physiological with the psychological self.

At the beginning we focused on the belief, "I observe with love and detachment." It took me WEEKS to fully understand what that meant! It was such a foreign concept to me that making it a belief took a lot of repetition.

A few weeks ago we added in "I'm in the flow of my life" and that's where things really started to change for me. The conversation went something along the lines of me asking when I would feel like a) people were actually listening to me, and b) I would feel in control. Her response shook my entire view of life upside down- she told me that we aren't in control.

What???!!!

Okay, the conversation had a few more sentences in it, but the concept was that simple. About 30 minutes later it dawned on me that it's not about feeling "in control" in my life, but feeling "balanced." By being balanced I could maintain the flow of my life as it was intended to be. I could release judgement of other people's reactions and decisions and behaviors because that was the flow of their lives (observing with love and detachment). They could not affect my actions/feelings/etc anymore than I could affect theirs. Sometimes they are in a state where no matter how brilliant my argument or idea they won't be able to hear it or respond to it. This all played out in events in my personal life last week in a way that surprised me completely. But having balanced myself and believing not only that "I am in the flow of my life" and that "I observe with love and detachment" I was able to come out of those events still standing with little more than a metaphorical tiny bruise from it all.

Holy crap- this belief stuff really works!

Having moved through those events we are now working on a new belief. The physiological response I got to her even asking me to work on this belief tells me that it is one that needs a lot of attention- "I am worthy."

Sucker punch.

Prior to even seeing this holistic healer, I have chanted this to myself time and time again getting nothing more than tears and repeating it through gritted teeth. My heart tells me that I am meant for so much in this lifetime and that I am meant to be a vision or inspiration to people... but my head seems to have different ideas, squishing this thought to a far corner of my brain and telling me that I'm NOT worthy.

So here I am, at 12:40am on a Wednesday (or is it Thursday?), pressing back tears of frustration as I earnestly repeat to myself that "I AM WORTHY." Worthy of love. Worthy of happiness. Worthy of success. Worthy of change. Worthy of taking risks and taking life by the horns. Worthy of never looking back. Worthy of being the vision I am meant to be.

I. Am. Worthy.

Losing Control

It has been a long while... and yet, here I am again. The urge to write and share is strong again and sometimes I just want a place to get the thoughts and stories in my head out.

So, cliff notes version of the past months... gallbladder removed, recovery sucks.

There. Done. Band-aid ripped off. Seriously though, recovery does suck. They don't tell you when they take our your gallbladder that you will be nauseous every time you eat for the rest of your life. That one was a total surprise to me and it has been very frustrating to deal with. Thankfully, I have a wonderful holistic nutritionist I'm working with and she has given me several supplements to take that are helping tremendously!

Moving on from that, now that I have done the deed of removing my gallbladder (I fought the good fight, and wouldn't change my decisions the last few years for anything) concentration in my life is now on breaking bubbles of bad health in the emotional areas of my life.

This one is going to be the hardest battle I have fought yet. To win this battle it is a test of will with myself to allow my brain and heart to lose control. The white knuckle grip I have had on every second of my life has to come to an end so I can come to a place where I flow through my life rather than conducting and controlling it.

Big deep breath. This is really hard for me. My intellectual brain has yet to completely wrap around the concept of not controlling everything. Fathoming the concept of not being able to make/require/ask/demand/force people to behave and respond in the manner I feel is appropriate is mind boggling to me. In my head, they should act a certain way and it irritates me when they don't act in the way I see as being logical and healthy and balanced. But, as it has been pointed out to me, I can't control them anymore than they can control me. I can give them the information- the world's greatest speech, even- and they may not have the capacity to listen to it. My self-righteous brain is having a painfully difficult time letting go of the obsession of being right and "in control."

Talk about something that causes a panic attack in me. Just thinking about not being in control makes my chest feel tight and my eyes well up. It makes me feel like I need to scream, grab on to anything I can, and kick until I regain a sense of stability and power. I just can't comprehend not being in control.

The next step in my journey of breaking bubbles, is to trust the flow of life. This might be the hardest bubble of them all to break.