I'm having one of those days. I feel restless and unsettled and I don't know what will make the feeling go away. Things have been going better this past week with no gallbladder flair-ups (thank goodness!) and I've been trying to concentrate on eating healthier again and avoiding eating sooooo much sugar and cookies, two major weaknesses of mine. I've been enjoying our new grill and, subsequently, having my husband cook lots of things for me on it. Takes the pressure off me having to plan and cook all of my meals ahead of time since I just have him cook me extra meat with whatever he is having that night. Throw some grilled chicken on a salad and I'm a happy camper.
Despite the recent upswing in my health, I am feeling really unsettled these past few days. Heck, week. It's the feeling of "I don't know where I'm heading in life right now" thing. Although, I guess I talked a little bit about this in my last post, didn't I? On one side of the spectrum I feel like I'm avoiding my life, but on the other side I feel like I'm too afraid to truly live it. Does that make any sense at all? Probably not, but I guess we talked about feeling disjointed last time too, didn't we?
So what is it that is eating away at me and causing me to be so restless? I'm avoiding sleep, but then sleep all morning when I can. Conversely, I'm avoiding working hard on the things I need to so I can reach my goals and move forward in my life, but I spend countless hours on distracting projects that at least make me feel content and "safe" where I am. The question that must be asked then, is how DO I get started actually living the life I want to live and stop avoiding it? The answer to the question alludes me and I am pretty positive that is what is causing me to remain so restless. I'm sure the answer is a simple one, I just don't know what it is or am too scared to admit that I do know it. Perhaps a little of both?
Monday, March 30, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Needing something to believe in
Funny how sometimes something will hit you as being extremely poignant in your life. For me, today it was this YouTube clip that my friend shared. There are many days when I feel as though I've lost my course. I've lost my purpose. I've lost... something to believe in. Today was one of those days and when I saw the status update with the link on Facebook from my good friend, Jeremy, I clicked on the link. Most days I would just skim past such things. I don't know why today I decided to follow the link, but I did. And it hit home in so many profound ways.
Now, the talent of this artist to convey such a wonderful story with his music should not go with out comment. Wow. This is the type of artistry that makes me want to be an artist and communicate on a level that goes beyond the words. Something that can truly touch your soul and leave an impression on both yourself and those you are sharing it with.
As long as I've been living, I feel as though I've been searching for something or someone to believe in, because on some level, even in my greatest moments, I don't believe in myself. Frankly, for the last few days I've been experiencing an overwhelming sense of not believing in myself. Just as the song says, "I'm scared of failure," and for me that's to the point of feeling paralyzed with fear of actually doing things that I might possibly fail at, even though I have several examples in my life where I succeeded at that same thing. Perhaps I should be like that song says and "not mind it anymore." Then maybe I will find my something to believe in and it will be me.
Now, the talent of this artist to convey such a wonderful story with his music should not go with out comment. Wow. This is the type of artistry that makes me want to be an artist and communicate on a level that goes beyond the words. Something that can truly touch your soul and leave an impression on both yourself and those you are sharing it with.
As long as I've been living, I feel as though I've been searching for something or someone to believe in, because on some level, even in my greatest moments, I don't believe in myself. Frankly, for the last few days I've been experiencing an overwhelming sense of not believing in myself. Just as the song says, "I'm scared of failure," and for me that's to the point of feeling paralyzed with fear of actually doing things that I might possibly fail at, even though I have several examples in my life where I succeeded at that same thing. Perhaps I should be like that song says and "not mind it anymore." Then maybe I will find my something to believe in and it will be me.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Must read book!
I went on a shopping spree at Borders and few weeks back with a gift certificate I had and just started reading the books I bought. There are no ifs ands or buts about it, I am addicted to the book I picked up called Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver. Hooked. I can literally can't stop reading this book.
The book is non-fiction and follows, as the subtitle suggests, a year of life in food. Barbara and her family decided to live "off the grid" (as I would call it) for a year by only buying locally produced or farmed food and what they could harvest in their garden. The decided to do this because they saw the environmental impact the globalization of food caused and also the effects of the modernization of food making the food we eat less nutritious and less "real" (in a way). The book follows their experience but is filled with all sorts of great information about globalized and genetically modified food, as well as insights in to what it takes to grow and harvest your own food. Super cool.
My explanation of the book does not do justice to the book, but I highly recommend it. I can't wait to keep reading more!
The book is non-fiction and follows, as the subtitle suggests, a year of life in food. Barbara and her family decided to live "off the grid" (as I would call it) for a year by only buying locally produced or farmed food and what they could harvest in their garden. The decided to do this because they saw the environmental impact the globalization of food caused and also the effects of the modernization of food making the food we eat less nutritious and less "real" (in a way). The book follows their experience but is filled with all sorts of great information about globalized and genetically modified food, as well as insights in to what it takes to grow and harvest your own food. Super cool.
My explanation of the book does not do justice to the book, but I highly recommend it. I can't wait to keep reading more!
Monday, March 16, 2009
I did this to myself
It's 12:30am and I'm not in bed. Yup, that's right, I'm having another gallbladder attack. At least this time I was smart enough to not bothering lying down to go to bed beforehand. And the worst part is that I could have prevented it had I made smarter choices over the last six hours. I overate (and really bad unhealthy foods at that) and I knew I was overeating but convinced myself I would be juuuuuust fine. Not so much. Apparently I'm having a really hard time listening to my stomach and instead am listening to the bad voices in my head that tell me I need to eat when really I'm not hungry and don't need to. If two full-blown gallbladder attacks isn't warning enough from my body to get my act back in gear I don't know what is. I just hope I can get my compulsions under control again... and fast. Problem is, the second I start feeling better (case in point, I felt great all day yesterday/Saturday) I allow myself to veer from my healthy eating habits and portion control. I don't want to be sick anymore, sick physically or mentally because my compulsive eating is a mental sickness that causes me to become physically sick and I'm struggling to re-find my cure.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
This week's healthy eats
A few food photos for you. These are things that I have been eating this week to help relax my gallbladder, keep things low fat, and have some heat to them to clear my sinuses since I have been having problems there as well.
Second is an Indian dish from my favorite Indian cookbook, 5 Spices 50 Dishes by Rhuta Kahate. Somehow I never shared pics of these recipes before, but here they are now. A wonderful chicken curry filled with spices, tomatoes, and and onions, and a fresh cucumber salad with lemon, mustard seeds, and serrano chilis. It's filling but light, especially with the skin removed on the chicken. After simmering in the curry sauce for 30 minutes the chicken literally starts to fall of the bone. It's really a great dish. 
Now I'm off to make some homemade vegetable stock so I can make more soups! Yum!
First is one of my husband and my favorite things to eat when we want something light and easy, Vietnamese spring rolls. We load them with fresh cilantro, fresh mint, boston bibb lettuce, cucumber, green onions, rice noodles, and shrimp. We dip them in a combination of sriracha and hoisin sauces. Very refreshing and very flavorful!
Second is an Indian dish from my favorite Indian cookbook, 5 Spices 50 Dishes by Rhuta Kahate. Somehow I never shared pics of these recipes before, but here they are now. A wonderful chicken curry filled with spices, tomatoes, and and onions, and a fresh cucumber salad with lemon, mustard seeds, and serrano chilis. It's filling but light, especially with the skin removed on the chicken. After simmering in the curry sauce for 30 minutes the chicken literally starts to fall of the bone. It's really a great dish.
Now I'm off to make some homemade vegetable stock so I can make more soups! Yum!
Seriously, why would you NOT want to eat like this?
Feeling better
The last few days I have reigned in my eating habits and am feeling much better. The ol' gallbladder seems to be quieting down again which is a relief and I have been really good about talking ALL of my GB and digestive supplements again. Unfortunately, the impulse to eat things I shouldn't and to overeat is still there, but I am trying to control it as best as possible. Cookies seem to be the main culprit, especially with Girl Scout cookies in the house. It appears that sugar in general, or anything sugary/sweet is what I want to binge on so I need to attempt to figure out what I am missing in my diet that is causing that craving. I'm going to try to drink more water and see if dehydration is the problem. Sometimes that's what causes it.
Today is my day off of work and it was much needed after the bad sleep earlier this week. Taking some time for myself, I decided to get a myofascial release massage (since I can get them at work, yeah!). Boy did I need it! My muscles/fascia were a hot mess, which was problem in no small part due to this week's GB attack and having to sleep on the couch. Tension headaches have also been cropping up the last few weeks and with knotted up muscles like that, it is no surprise that chiropractic adjustments and even some over-the-counter NSAIDs weren't helping! I am feeling much better now and hope that all of the tension stays worked out until I can get another one in two weeks!
Let's hope the progress continues. As long as I stay focused on my eating, am consistent with my supplements, and take the time I need to heal when needed I think I should be completely back on track in no time.
Today is my day off of work and it was much needed after the bad sleep earlier this week. Taking some time for myself, I decided to get a myofascial release massage (since I can get them at work, yeah!). Boy did I need it! My muscles/fascia were a hot mess, which was problem in no small part due to this week's GB attack and having to sleep on the couch. Tension headaches have also been cropping up the last few weeks and with knotted up muscles like that, it is no surprise that chiropractic adjustments and even some over-the-counter NSAIDs weren't helping! I am feeling much better now and hope that all of the tension stays worked out until I can get another one in two weeks!
Let's hope the progress continues. As long as I stay focused on my eating, am consistent with my supplements, and take the time I need to heal when needed I think I should be completely back on track in no time.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Two steps back
Last night I had a gallbladder attack. Full-blown, minus the vomiting (thank goodness). Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I caused it to happen knowing full well that my actions were likely to lead to this outcome. Coming home from work late, I went to Ruby Tuesdays to get a burger. It was easy and quick and involved little thought (the achilles heal of the American diet, no?) My husband was still finishing putting together our kitchen sink and because it took a day longer than expected, the counters were covered in dirty dishes from the meal I made the night before. Long story short, I didn't want to create any more dishes so I thought I would just pick up a burger on the way home. Sounds good in theory, but it was very bad in practice for me and my gallbladder.
Now, the two weeks prior to this I actually did that same thing. Both times I overate and both times I didn't feel 100% afterwards, but neither time did I have a full-blown GB attack. This week I did have the GB attack and it was awful. I woke up at 1:30am feeling like a knife was being stabbed in the middle of my back. The pain was focused in that area, which was a bit different from the attacks I use to have that made my whole back feel like a pole was going through from my chest, so I was actually relieved that the pain wasn't so bad that I wanted to vomit. I took some of my Phos acid drops and a beet tablet and the pain eventually subsided while I slept sitting up on the couch. I also took a long hot shower to relax me (which helps the GB function better) and because during the attack I started shivering uncontrollably- which was something I never experienced before. By 5:30am I was able to go back to my bed to sleep but the whole experience left me feeling cloudy-headed and generally miserable today. I can't wait to go to sleep tonight and sleep the whole night through in my bed. Fingers crossed.
The only problem is that I seem to be having problems with portion distortion again. The burger probably would have been fine for me if I had only eaten half of it. Instead I ate almost the whole thing and some disgustingly over oiled sauteed portabello mushrooms (don't order them people, they are gross). For as long as I've been alive I've had a fear of being anorexic, which is probably a side effect of having so many people in my life with eating and body image disorders. I am always scared that I am not eating enough and that I need to make sure I have enough servings of whatever food or food group to be healthy. This causes me to overeat, and only recently (note: the last few weeks) did I finally realize this about myself. I overeat because I'm afraid of being malnourished and anorexic. I want so badly to be healthy that I have made myself unhealthy. Weird, right? But it's totally true and it's the reality that I live in everyday.
During the beginning of my GB diet I did awesome on portion control and eating a good variety of healthy foods, my diet was stellar and I had no option for it to be anything but because it made the GB attacks less frequent and less severe. Now that my GB is healthier I have slipped slowly but surely back in to my old eating habits. Maybe not laden with ice cream, but my old "over"eating habits nonetheless. Even tonight, one night after a severe GB attack, I overate again! I compulsively ate more food at the end of my meal than I needed because some voice in the back of my brain said I hadn't consumed quite enough calories so I need something else to make up for it. The truth of the matter: I ate just the right amount of calories before I binged on the two Girl Scout cookies (darn those Girl Scouts!) to "add a few calories" to my meal. It was delusional to think I needed more calories and now I am not feeling well again, less than 24 hours after a severe GB attack, as a result of listening to that little voice in my head.
In so many ways, I feel like I am not in control of my impulses because they are so misinformed. I just wish I could regain the control I had last summer and start seeing food portion in a healthier light again. It's time to refocus.
Now, the two weeks prior to this I actually did that same thing. Both times I overate and both times I didn't feel 100% afterwards, but neither time did I have a full-blown GB attack. This week I did have the GB attack and it was awful. I woke up at 1:30am feeling like a knife was being stabbed in the middle of my back. The pain was focused in that area, which was a bit different from the attacks I use to have that made my whole back feel like a pole was going through from my chest, so I was actually relieved that the pain wasn't so bad that I wanted to vomit. I took some of my Phos acid drops and a beet tablet and the pain eventually subsided while I slept sitting up on the couch. I also took a long hot shower to relax me (which helps the GB function better) and because during the attack I started shivering uncontrollably- which was something I never experienced before. By 5:30am I was able to go back to my bed to sleep but the whole experience left me feeling cloudy-headed and generally miserable today. I can't wait to go to sleep tonight and sleep the whole night through in my bed. Fingers crossed.
The only problem is that I seem to be having problems with portion distortion again. The burger probably would have been fine for me if I had only eaten half of it. Instead I ate almost the whole thing and some disgustingly over oiled sauteed portabello mushrooms (don't order them people, they are gross). For as long as I've been alive I've had a fear of being anorexic, which is probably a side effect of having so many people in my life with eating and body image disorders. I am always scared that I am not eating enough and that I need to make sure I have enough servings of whatever food or food group to be healthy. This causes me to overeat, and only recently (note: the last few weeks) did I finally realize this about myself. I overeat because I'm afraid of being malnourished and anorexic. I want so badly to be healthy that I have made myself unhealthy. Weird, right? But it's totally true and it's the reality that I live in everyday.
During the beginning of my GB diet I did awesome on portion control and eating a good variety of healthy foods, my diet was stellar and I had no option for it to be anything but because it made the GB attacks less frequent and less severe. Now that my GB is healthier I have slipped slowly but surely back in to my old eating habits. Maybe not laden with ice cream, but my old "over"eating habits nonetheless. Even tonight, one night after a severe GB attack, I overate again! I compulsively ate more food at the end of my meal than I needed because some voice in the back of my brain said I hadn't consumed quite enough calories so I need something else to make up for it. The truth of the matter: I ate just the right amount of calories before I binged on the two Girl Scout cookies (darn those Girl Scouts!) to "add a few calories" to my meal. It was delusional to think I needed more calories and now I am not feeling well again, less than 24 hours after a severe GB attack, as a result of listening to that little voice in my head.
In so many ways, I feel like I am not in control of my impulses because they are so misinformed. I just wish I could regain the control I had last summer and start seeing food portion in a healthier light again. It's time to refocus.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Why would you NOT want to eat like this?
I'm a bit behind on posting all of the healthy, fun food I've been creating lately so today will be a marathon session. Ready?
And my question is: Why would you not want to eat like this?
I had leftover miso broth from the seabass I made as a recreation of the McCormick and Schmick's dish, so I wanted to use it. I decided to make a drunken noodle dish with the broth, leftover udon noodles, and leftover veggies. It was really good.
I got creative with my roasted potato and salad meals again. I had some roasted red pepper and artichoke dip that I wasn't using (because I was out of crusty bread) and I thought, "hey, this will taste really yummy on a salad." So, I put it on my salad with some flaxseed and lemon juice dressing and it was awesome. The lemon juice really balanced everything out nicely too.
I started craving sweet things (again), and wanted something that was healthy. I couldn't make my cranberry cobbler again because cranberries are out of season (so sad about that!), so I decided to go back to my beloved pears and make a pear cobbler. It turned out so yummy. Here is the recipe. I substituted rice milk in the recipe because I don't generally have regular milk around the house anymore, and it worked really well. Although, the dollop of Cool Whip didn't hurt the cause as far as taste went. I ate the leftover pears on my pancakes the next morning, it was so good!
I decided to make another rendition of my homemade whole wheat crust cheeseless pizza, and this time I added prosciutto. I was out of pizza sauce so I used sliced tomatoes instead and lathered the bottom with EVOO and garlic. It was really tasty, though I think using fresh instead of dried herbs and some more prosciutto would have really done the pizza well. Next time I guess! Before and After shots.
I found this great recipe in Real Simple magazine the other day for chicken with olives and shallots in a white wine and lemon sauce that was really great. I made this dish a month ago but my camera batteries were dead so I couldn't share it with you. Well, this time the camera batteries were working but I bought olives that weren't pitted by accident so I had to leave them out! Oh well! What you can see though is my contribution to the recipe-- baby bella mushrooms. A natural compliment to those flavors.
Being a master of variations on things, when my friend came over for dinner the other night I made a variation on the pear cobbler recipe by adding in blackberries. Yummmmmmm.
I really liked it.
And so did my friend. :)
And my question is: Why would you not want to eat like this?
I had leftover miso broth from the seabass I made as a recreation of the McCormick and Schmick's dish, so I wanted to use it. I decided to make a drunken noodle dish with the broth, leftover udon noodles, and leftover veggies. It was really good.
I got creative with my roasted potato and salad meals again. I had some roasted red pepper and artichoke dip that I wasn't using (because I was out of crusty bread) and I thought, "hey, this will taste really yummy on a salad." So, I put it on my salad with some flaxseed and lemon juice dressing and it was awesome. The lemon juice really balanced everything out nicely too.
I started craving sweet things (again), and wanted something that was healthy. I couldn't make my cranberry cobbler again because cranberries are out of season (so sad about that!), so I decided to go back to my beloved pears and make a pear cobbler. It turned out so yummy. Here is the recipe. I substituted rice milk in the recipe because I don't generally have regular milk around the house anymore, and it worked really well. Although, the dollop of Cool Whip didn't hurt the cause as far as taste went. I ate the leftover pears on my pancakes the next morning, it was so good!
I decided to make another rendition of my homemade whole wheat crust cheeseless pizza, and this time I added prosciutto. I was out of pizza sauce so I used sliced tomatoes instead and lathered the bottom with EVOO and garlic. It was really tasty, though I think using fresh instead of dried herbs and some more prosciutto would have really done the pizza well. Next time I guess! Before and After shots.
I found this great recipe in Real Simple magazine the other day for chicken with olives and shallots in a white wine and lemon sauce that was really great. I made this dish a month ago but my camera batteries were dead so I couldn't share it with you. Well, this time the camera batteries were working but I bought olives that weren't pitted by accident so I had to leave them out! Oh well! What you can see though is my contribution to the recipe-- baby bella mushrooms. A natural compliment to those flavors.
Being a master of variations on things, when my friend came over for dinner the other night I made a variation on the pear cobbler recipe by adding in blackberries. Yummmmmmm.
I really liked it.
And so did my friend. :)
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