Anger Management (and fear)

Anger management has been on my mind a lot the last twenty-four hours. Ok, a lot of things have been on my mind the last 24 hours, but anger management has me contemplating deep thoughts.

I started reading Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life for work a few weeks ago. We are doing a lecture on the book next week and it is part of my job to put the lectures together. Naturally, I feel obligated to read said book so I can help the lecturer out. I'm a bit behind on finishing this one, but I'm working on it. Anyway, last night I read a large chunk of the book and the topic of anger kept coming up. Repressed anger, expressed anger, and all of the inner happenings that go along with it. According to Hay, anger and bitterness can cause many dis-eases within the body. After reading that, I believe it.

Well, tonight I had a bit of a lesson in anger management. A coworker was disrespectful of not only her patent's time, the office's time (and schedule), but of my time as well. It took every once of self-control I had to not lash out verbally because I was so angry at the end of the day where my time was disrespected. Luckily, I was given and out and left before I said anything out of my anger that would be counterproductive and relationship damaging. I was pissed.

Funny story though, I called my supervisor to tell her what happened and when I got off the phone with her and then vented (quite heatedly) to my husband I accidentally dialed my supervisor while I still had the phone in my hand. Being the understanding person she is, she called me back to let me know I had just "butt-dialed" her and she had heard my rant. Thankfully we laughed about it, and I didn't feel mortified or anything of the sort.

That aside, I realized while reading You Can Heal Your Life that my years of pent up anger really did have an effect on my life- and sometimes that anger still comes pouring out in a very unattractive and, shall we say, stated manner. The anger will just pour out of me in long uproars of emotion with many expletives thrown in. It ain't pretty, but it's real. The problem is, when this happens the anger overtakes me and controls me to a point where I can't get control. I can't regain my composure and take a deep breath to let it go. One time, a friend told me to just "let it roll off [my] back, like water running down the back of a duck." I laughed at him and told him it wasn't possible. Now, of course it's possible, it's just not something that I, especially at that time, could make happen within myself.

Anger is much less controlling in my life than it use to be, and I believe that Hays is right that anger can be the cause of dis-ease in your body. She goes as far as to list many diseases and what their emotional causes/roots are. Sounds coo-coo, I know, but there is quite a bit of validity to it when you start reading it and doing inner reflection. Let's list a few of my health complaints and what she says are the underlying emotional causes are, shall we? Fun!

1. Allergies/hay fever: Who are you allergic to? Denying your own power. Emotional congestion. A belief in persecution. Guilt.
2. Asthma: Smother love. Inability for breathe for one's self. Feeling stifled. Suppressed crying.
3. Candida: Feeling very scattered. Lots of frustration and anger.
4. Gallstones: Bitterness. Hard thoughts. Condemning. Pride.
5. Liver: Sea of anger and primitive emotions.
6. Post-nasal drip: Inner crying. Childish tears. Victim.

That's just the short list for me, I hate to admit. But reading that list got me thinking about how emotions really do manifest themselves in physical ailments. My anger manifested itself throughout my body in these ways, and it wasn't until I removed the root of my anger that these things began to heal. I haven't healed one hundred percent, but the anger hasn't diminished yet either. Every so often I am confronted with the anger again, and sure enough my health goes down hill with it. Not to mention, it usually provokes another animated venting session that my husband has to sit through. He probably has some of my rages memorized by now because they typically are about the same thing and I subsequently say the same thing over and over again.

So what happened tonight to make me so angry? A disrespect and disregard for me and my person. That will get me angry every time, because it triggers that childish place that has yet to heal in my heart. There is much work to be done still.

Anger aside I am apparently freaking out about something currently, too. Monday night I had a dream that woke me up in the middle of the night having a full-blown panic attack. I dreamt that I was in a tropical location and a friend and I were traveling between two islands on little rafts. The rafts would move like they were motorized once we left the dock on each island, but to get to the raft you had to get on them like regular rafts by getting in the water and pushing yourself up on it. The water was crystal clear and you could see the smooth beige sand underneath even though the water was deep. The sun was shining extremely brightly and the mood, for quite some time during the dream, was joyful and playful as my friend and I played on each dock and island. Can't remember all the details of that part of the dream, but it got vivid at the end (of course). We were leaving one of the docks again to travel back to the other island and I jumped in the water and got on the raft quickly. When I jumped in the clear water I noticed a shadow down deep in the water- a shark. I got on the raft, crunched down in to a tight ball and grabbed tight to the sides of the raft- which strangely enough had hand grip cut outs in it so there was a small buffer between the actual side of the raft and where I held on. I yelled to my friend to not get in the water, that a shark was looming down below. Even though it was still a dark shadow the shark butted up against the sides of the raft by where I was holding it. Not biting, but bumping and threatening. I held on tighter and tighter, hoping the shark would go away. The raft was far enough from the dock that I couldn't get back to safety with my friend, but my friend kept wanting to come join me despite my protests and warning of the shark. This kept repeating itself with the dark shadow below in the clear water and the shark kept looming. I woke up with every muscle in my body tensed as though I were holding on in fear.

This dream would have been more interesting had I had it last night and woken up to the earthquake that I experienced this morning, but it was not. I did actually feel the earthquake though, as a side note, and it was cool. I woke up at 4am to get a drink of water and decided to go pee while I was at it. Was on the toilet and felt a sudden shaking. First reaction was, "is that an earthquake." Second reaction, "stop hallucinating, Jes, it's not an earthquake, you're just tired and your butt spasmed or something." Nope, earthquake confirmed via facebook a few hours later.

Earthquakes aside, that shark dream happens for me a lot. A little different every time, but every time the same result- I wake up with my body tensed and in panic. I'm on the verge of working past a fear, I think, and hopefully this means that I'm making some progress in my life. Heck, this time the water was clear and it was sunny, and usually that is not the case. Progress! Oh, and if you know anything about me know this- I am deathly afraid of swimming in water I can't see the bottom of, even lakes, because I am still scarred from having watched the Jaws movies when I was seven years old and had just moved by the ocean for the first time in my life. Seven year olds should not watch that movie, people. To this day, I have panic attacks going in to water that isn't a pool. Heck, sometimes I have panic attacks in pools! It's bad. I promise I'm working on it though. When I went to Puerto Rico for vacation in 2008, I actually went in to the ocean where the water was up to my stomach. The water was super clear that day and I told my husband that if he held my hand and promised not to let go I would wave-jump with him in the water. He made good on his end of the bargain and held my hand the whole time and we spent about 15 minutes in the water together. I'm not sure who was prouder of my accomplishment that day. :)